I was camping as a child, and sitting on my dad’s knee around the camp fire. I tucked my knees and arms into my shirt.
My dad let go of me to scratch his head, and I, trapped within my shirt, rolled off his knee and onto a tree root.

Broke my collar bone.
Had to canoe out of the campsite the next day.

I once fell asleep with a laptop on my lap that had a horrible heat sink and would basically turn itself off every half hour. My legs were crossed when I fell asleep and my heel was right up against the vent… Woke up with the laptop still on. Confused. And then PAIN. It has used my heel as a heat sink. MASSIVE burn, horrible pain, like four inch blister, still have the scar twenty years later. Had to wear flip flops for like a month shudder

In college, my roommate decided to make jello shots in these little shot glasses we had. He and his buddies finished them off and stacked the empty glasses in the room. Ass of a roommate refused to clean them out, so they sat for a little more than a week, at which point I was sick of them enough to clean them myself.

The jello had crystallized around the rim of the glasses, cementing them together, and as I twisted a couple of them apart the crystallized jello sliced into my hand.

My wife still taunts me sometimes for getting cut by jello.

I was teaching my kid how to nail while doing one of those Home Depot kids projects that can you bring home. I held it up to show him and nailed too hard with the way I was holding it that the nail went through and pierced my left hand at the base of thumb all the way to the muscle.

I promptly told him, “that’s why the correct way to nail is to put it on the ground to do this and do not hold it like that, now daddy needs to go get a bandage real quick.”

I cleaned it, bandaged it, finished the project, and then went to the doctor just in case because it was fairly deep. 🤣

Slipped disk from sneezing.

Getting old sucks.

Put a rib out of place by dropping a fire extinguisher on myself. I was carrying it cradled in my arms at chest height, big heavy sucker, when I slipped on icy ground and fell flat on my back. I saw the extinguisher seeming to hover in the air and watched it fall towards me like in slow motion. The thought flashed through my mind that it was going to crush my rib cage and I would die right there. Knocked the wind out of me and for the next month or two it hurt to take a really deep breath. A chiropractor said I had a rib out of place - he did some kind of crunch on me and boom, totally fixed. I’ve never had another stereotypical chiropractor cure like that.

I once twisted a nerve in my shoulder by sitting down wrong in the bus.

On day 3 of a meth bender, non-stop looking at and Photoshopping porn, paralyzed my ulnar nerve by the way my arm was resting on the armrest. Yes, I sat there that long in the same position. Couldn’t feel my pinkie and ring finger for a couple of years. No, I haven’t done meth in 20 years.

Sliced my forearm open trying to make a small scratch to do a blood brother thing with my gf. My god, I barely got it to stop bleeding. Now I have what looks like a suicide scar. In other news, I was top-tier at sharpening pocket knives back then.

Hit a brick wall, head on, driving my motorcycle drunk, on an unfamiliar street, at night, wearing dark goggles. The bike exploded into fragments, I got a light concussion.

Broke my femur, most crippling injury to date. Knew my motorcycle brakes were far too worn, drove it anyway. Lady slammed her brakes, guy in front of me did same, I tried to do the same, rammed him from behind.

Using a non-locking pocket knife to trim a washer hose. It folded and cut me to the bone, had to have surgery to repair the extensor tendon. Also using a non-locking pocket knife to work on my motorcycle throttle cable, you guessed it, it folded and cut me to the bone. Have had nerve damage in that fingertip since.

Riding my BMX as a kid, decided to try an endo. Slammed the front brakes at speed with predictable results. Knee hit the asphalt to hard it mashed the skin off. Still got the scar, which matches the one on my other knee from swinging over a lava rock.

Got diverticulitis, 3 times, most painful events of my life. Spent years shitting too hard, developed diverticulosis (little tears/pouches in your intestine that catch food and get infected). Surgery fixed it!

Popped a lung after a night of rigorous sex. Yes, I smoked cigarettes and weed. Also, had a lawn service where I inhaled dust all day. Maybe not so much on me though. Doc said it was common among young men and I had two friends blow a lung in those years.

Lately, my feet have been all fucked up from working at Lowe’s (I rage quit BTW). Got some new shoes at the thrift, like walking on clouds. Apparently been wearing a size too small for years.

Bruised/broken my ribs several times, broke my right arm twice, countless broken toes and fingers, and perhaps more than the one concussion described above. At this point in the story I’ve stopped counting scars.

I can keep going. No idea how I survived my 20s without permanent injury or prison time.

Burned my face while breathing fire with Everclear.

I broke my toe on a case of ramen noodles.

I used to work nights. When I had the next day off, I would usually stay up all day and go to sleep that evening. So, wake up around 2-4pm Friday, go to at 10pm to 6am Saturday and not sleep until Saturday evening.

This eventually caught up with me. I was riding a bicycle down a hill, just coasting and fell a sleep for a second. Down I went. Need stitches in my head ( I still have a bump), tons of road rash, and banged up my knee.

I recovered fully except for the bump on my head.

I was cutting a cardboard box up with a box cutter, holding the box steady with my off hand while pushing the blade downward through the cardboard. I realized that my hand was below the blade and therefore there was a risk I’d cut myself if the blade suddenly moved more quickly through the cardboard than anticipated. Safety first! So I stopped cutting, leaving the blade in the cardboard, and lifted my hand to grip the cardboard above where I was cutting instead.

Slammed my thumb right into the blade as I moved my hand, peeling a nasty slice of skin off. Took a lot of stitches to tack it back in place, still have a scar from that.

In high school I was run over by a car that I was sitting in. Buddy stopped in a parking lot, I started to get out, then he went forward and my foot was caught under the rear tire. I was pulled out of the car and my leg was run over.

Minor tear in a ligament and have a nice scar, but that’s about it.

I once cut the inside of my thigh as a kid by bicycle jousting with my friends at night-time along the streets and sidewalks. Slammed into one of my friends’ tires head-on, and got thrown forward into the crossbar. I was lucky I was slightly off-center, but I came away with a nasty bruise, a laceration, and a rip in my shorts.

Wanted to see what happened if I stuck my finger into a pencil sharpener. Didn’t really think that one through