It’s driving me crazy. Partner on phone, playing videos and games while the TV is running some YouTube reaction stuff.
I wear noise cancelling headphones all day at home because it’s just too much. The volume is so high I can hear it through a closed door. My PC is in the same room as the TV and I can’t even concentrate on a tutorial on how to do some editing stuff.
Partner is also suffering from depression so every freaking time I begged to please turn the tv off, it’s just ended in a 30 minute therapy session at home on how I can improve myself.
Anyone in a similar situation?
The relationship advice special is “leave him.” Without additional information I don’t think it’s responsible for anyone here to say that, but what you’ve described is clearly an untenable situation and relationship dynamic.
I think you owe it to yourself and your partner to sit them down, describe this situation as you see it, and how their behavior makes you feel, perhaps the way you have here. Their response to your feelings should, I think, tell you the next steps.
Whether that response is workable should, I think, be determined by its impact on trust in the relationship, because trust is ultimately the only fungible currency that differentiates a good relationship from a bad one.
Concretely:
- If they disregard your emotions, disbelieve your experience, or disrespect your right to peace in your own home, this describes a dynamic in which there is no chance for compromise, and you have your answer.
- If they still care about your comfort, realize something must change, and are willing to modify their behavior for your benefit, there remains hope to rebuild the trust that’s been lost.
In either case, what happens next is not something anyone here is equipped to prescribe, but I do hope you’re able to find a better relationship, with or without your current partner.
I have this with my kids. I got them headphones for every device. And noise cancelling headphones for myself. It’s a hostile existence.
Our noise canceling headphones were for my 6yo but I use them more often than he does. Sometimes when he wears them he cranks the volume on the tablet to hear it through those headphones and we’re still educating him on why that’s no good.
he should be the one wearing headphones. you do not deserve to be gaslit into suffering through this poor excuse for “accommodations” for him.
multipoint bluetooth headphones exist. open back headphones exist. make him use them.
if he’s not willing to budge, you’ll need to separate the TV from your PC; one has to be relocated to a different room, preferably as far as possible. that plus shutting the doors should be the maximum amount of effort you’ll put into accommodating your partner. if that is inadequate, i recommend couples therapy; or just dump him.
I have a set of oneodio cans with 3.5 and 1/4 TRRS plugs on opposite ears. Works great with both in, just a little muted. I’ve thought about trying it with my wife’s which has all that plus Bluetooth and see how many feeds we can get at once.
I don’t think you seem to have any problems, but it sounds like your partner may have some things that they’ll need to work out.
People are creatures of habit - while it is true that your partner is being an asshole, I currently don’t have any reason to believe that they’re doing it out of malice rather than habit.
It sounds like your partner may need to seek professional help, because it is their responsibility to manage their ADD/depression, and it sounds like they may be struggling to do that. It is not your responsibility to manage it for them
Maybe suggest actual couples therapy next time they have one of thier 30 minute diatribes…
If I got a 30 minute diatribe when asking someone to make less noise I’d leave them.
Partner is also suffering from depression so every freaking time I begged to please turn the tv off, it’s just ended in a 30 minute therapy session at home on how I can improve myself.
That does not seem particularly healthy.
Maybe he’s depressed because he keeps watching YouTube reactions.
Yeah living with other people requires you to respect noise levels. It’s just basic courtesy. There are six in our house and we have an earliest time that the shower can be turned on for example (edit: it’s an electric shower and noisy AF). Of course exceptions have to be made.
If he’s not prepared to turn down the TV to a reasonable level that’s on him. He knows it’s upsetting you and is prepared to continue upsetting you. That’s really unhealthy and inconsiderate behaviour.
One thing that might help is getting him to use headphones with the TV. Most TVs these days have Bluetooth support. If I’m watching a movie late at night (common) I’ll always use headphones. Again it’s just common courtesy.
If they’re not prepared to turn down the TV to a reasonable level that’s on them. They know it’s upsetting you and are prepared to continue upsetting you. That’s really unhealthy and inconsiderate behaviour.
One thing that might help is getting them to use headphones with the TV. Most TVs these days have Bluetooth support. If I’m watching a movie late at night (common) I’ll always use headphones. Again it’s just common courtesy.
FTFY
Yeah fair call.
Your partner sounds like a complete asshat. They are being disrespectful of your shared space and gaslight and guiltrip you the moment you try to communicate. Childish behavior.
I would find a new situation.
100%. I was in this same situation for 3 years. It drove me crazy and partner was never admitting fault and always i was at fault. It’s fucked up to do that. OP is better off without
I think talk to them and ask them if they can watch their tv with headphones and let them know your brain needs like 2-6 hours of silence a day to function. I know with like roku or whatever you can have the app stream the sound to your phone. If you have a sound system its a matter of getting a BT transmitter.
It’s a fair request to turn it down enough so it’s not audible in the next room. In our house if someone wants it quiet and someone else wants it noisy, quiet wins and noisy can use headphones.
Videogames and YouTube reaction vid can both go to the same singular pair of Bluetooth headphones.
Your partner is not being fair to you. They don’t need to be listening at full volume, either. That’s obnoxious.
Shit, if I wanna plug my guitar in my huge amp and shred guitar all day, do I just tell my gf to deal with it because I’m depressed and have ADD? No, I use amp simulators and headphones.
When an Adult You Love Has ADHD Professional Advice for Parents, Partners, and Siblings - Russell A. Barkley
You, Me, and Our ADHD Family: Practical Steps to Cultivate Healthy Relationships - Tamara Rosier
Yikes. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. Is your partner working with someone re his depression and add? Are you getting support? At the end of the day, the only person you can control is yourself.
For me personally I can’t handle that type of behavior. I was working closely with someone like that and i ended up leaving. I felt terrible. Aside from her issues, I really liked her and she was very knowledgeable but working with her caused me very high anxiety and I just couldn’t deal with it.
Partner is also suffering from depression so every freaking time I begged to please turn the tv off, it’s just ended in a 30 minute therapy session at home on how I can improve myself.
Eh, what? What does being depressed have to do with you asking to turn off the TV? I feel like they are using this against you, but there’s not a lot of info to go by.
Perhaps a solution would be to get them headphones, too.
Yeah i have headphones they’re great
